| he's returned |
[Nov. 22nd, 2006|08:25 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  thoughtful | ] |
| [ | music |
| | The Information by Beck | ] |
Wow...I've made myself scarce the last several months. But I have good reasons. What happened was, Adam and I had a very revelatory talk in late July. He basically said he was giving the boot out to drama from his life, and only to focus on finishing school, his textbook, and developing his relationship with Mitsue. He basically requested that I not vent to him anymore, and focus inward. And it made me think...a good deal of the year up to that point was DRAMA DRAMA DRAMA. I would hear bit-by-bit accounts of Rachel's eternal struggle with Jimmy, a few of Ally's situations, and Adam's epic struggle (and eventual victory) to win Mitsue, and my venting my less actual problems to them and more people. It did me no good. It left me in a vicious circle, where everything went round and round. It nearly cost me friendships, with Ally and (THE BIGGIE) with Adam. Lucky to say, I am still on good terms with them...though I did have to work my way back with Ally, and with Adam I still feel the need to hold my tongue. But point is...that's why I stopped turning to LJ for rants. I still have very serious-down days...one per month the last few months for various reasons. But luckily they aren't coming as often, and when they are, I am less inclined to spill it all. Which is good.
So...how has the semester gone? It's been going. I've had more classes than usual, which makes for a bigger load of homework. Which is all good, as long as I keep up. Over this Thanksgiving Break, I started the GENBUS 304 semester long project! Pick 12 legal-related articles, look for terms relevant to Business Law, discuss those terms in context of the article and the class, and give your opinions of each article. I found all 12 articles over the last few days, and I marked the words to discuss. Now I just need to actually write them up. There's also a case in ACCT 308, the last of three. It's only analyzing the Idaho governmental financial statement, answering questions on where items are and what the profitability is. As with the other three, I'm doing this with mate Destiny. We've had varying success on the first two.
Speaking of school...ACCT 308 is the last of Intermediate ACCT classes, and I think I will make out with a B (noooo not that kind of making out!), each Int. ACCT class has had its hard times. ACCT 350 is about Accounting Information Systems, and the usage of software for accounting. I'm sure I'll get an A, due to being more effort-based, but it's a good deal of work. Hopefully it'll buffer my resume, since I learned about Access and FrontPage and Peachtree Accounting. GENBUS 304 is the once-a-week night class, and I will probably underachieve my way to a B. As long as this project is decent and my final test isn't crap, I'll get a B. ECON 303 is a CAKEWALK, this prof is in his first year, and he makes it available for everyone to ace the class...what with homework that mirrors what's on the test, Blackboard notes, etc. Not a lot of people show up to his lectures...and I supposedly could stop showing up now and still ace like no one's business (I got a 98 and 100 on the first two tests, and have turned in 8 or 10 h/w assignments that apparently are less meaningful on his grading curve than I thought), but I try not to skip too much. He's a nice guy. Not too much older than the class. Unlike Dr. Smith, my ECON 201 teacher, who was an old snoozer. I stopped going to his class after Test 1 and still got an A, by reading a chapter or two every week and taking self-tests.
Moving away from business classes, I think I am close to an A in MUS 100. I do like the class, I get to learn more about music history and actually listen to Mozart and Bach pieces. Any expansion of my palette is a good thing. Just need to get another concert report out soon, I think there is a senior recital next week. And Tuesday night choir is fun. It's nice to sing again. Except we're struggling on the key piece for Christmas. The composer is Dr. Raynes, a good guy who has been disappointed in lack of effort lately. Almost like high school choir...except Raynes' voice isn't very loud due to medical problems, so no "chewing out."
Job news...none. I haven't applied for a job since August, when I was 0 for 3 in interviews. Lately Broncojobs hasn't sent me relevant jobs/internships...a lot of them are tax-related, and I would have to "hide" the fact that I got a C in tax class during the interview. Yeah, that's material info. I will take tax class in the summer though...I hope I can fit the bill. Back to jobs, I guess I'll send out my resume/cover letter out again soon. I do have some friends in ACCTing, whom I don't see outside of class. One of them (Rick) has that Cosho job I applied for. Bastardo :-D
RGIS is still RGIS. God bless. I ended up getting decent hours in September and October. Surprised about October work, but since RGIS ownz all the Albertsons within a 100 mile radius, the cycle of those stores is longer and longer. And they do their inventory 3 times a year. This November has slowed down, which is good for me to get caught up with homework and such. We got a new area manager, name's Derek. Good guy, younger, and he's already being a spokesman for changes. There are stricter sign-in rules, raises are all up to corporate, and there are stricter rules for the big mandatory stores like ShopKo, Target, and (oh shit) Cabelas. The start of next year will bring a lot of shifts, and I'll be doing more of those than last year, since I have another sched. conducive to morning jobs. Of course, it'll mean more showing up to class in the monkey uniform :-P
Sports....BSU football is fun. It's a repeat of 2004, where BSU goes 11-0 but isn't always dominant on the road and leads people to doubt, etc. Cept this year BSU is lined up for a BCS berth, whereas in '04 another mid-major (Utah) was one step ahead of BSU and got a BCS bid. All BSU needs to do is beat Nevada (a formidable opponent) on the road this Saturday and it'll be in the Fiesta Bowl, most likely against Texas. So it looks like two tense games coming up. I did go to the BSU-Utah game in Salt Lake. It was a lot of fun, also because that was BSU's last convincing road win. My very first BSU road game.
Family section...not much to say. Mom and Dad still bug me at times, what with micromanaging and whatnot. But I still ain't in no position to move out, yet. Jonathan has had rough times this year, his first since '03 where he didn't have a wilderness position. He went back to RGIS the third time earlier this year, but it proved to be too much with his evening framing gallery job, so he left RGIS. Now he has the framing gallery job - and nearly got laid off this week, but talked it out with his boss - and volunteering at the Fish and Game. No U of Missouri for him, it looks like. It's back to sending his resume/cover letter out everywhere. He says another spring/summer here in Boise and at the home would NOT be ideal. I agree. Hate to say it, but his negativity/cynicism is still too much for me sometimes. He craps on EVERYTHING, it seems. Sometimes I join in heartily, sometimes I just get annoyed. He needs a change of scenery. He needs a lead with a future. I hope he finds it.
Friends section....time for a breakdown of all I have mentioned before:
ADAM - He's been calling me quite a bit lately, but I don't see the kid as much nowadays. He's had a very busy semester, with numerous group projects at school and time spent with Mitsue. No job for him this semester, and that is looking to be a really good decision, as work/school/Mitsue was his undoing earlier this year. I never called the dude back from Sunday...I had to do chores, and I been trying to focus on that GENBUS project the past few days. Better call him back soon.
MIKE - I chilled with him once, very early on in the semester. He's no longer majoring in acc'ting, it proved incompatible with his true interests. So I rarely see the kid, and I only talk to him if I choose to ever get on AOL IM, which is few and far between. Need to call that kid. Or text him. SIDENOTE: I have officially given in to text messaging. I added a plan with 300 texts per month for $5. I finally used enough indiv. text messages to justify $5.
STEVE - He and I are buds again, we hang out a lot more often. Sadly, it's because he's back at home after his life took a turn to shit last summer. He broke it off with Mecheilla, whom he had been dating for 3 years and engaged for 1-2 years(?). It was prerty rough on him, and he was constantly getting drunk alone and posting stupid MySpace blogs. He's getting it all back together, working at Micron and going back to BSU to do engineering next January.
NATE - The Nipper is married. I went to his bachelor party (got drunk for the first time ever...so to speak), wedding, and reception last September. His wife Michelle is cool. I'll hang out with Steve Nate and Michelle sometimes, even tho they all end up drinkin.
LYNDSAY - She's at BSU now, taking a few classes. We still haven't "hung out" in a very long time, but I've seen her a few times on other occasions. Her big kick now is dancing. She's all over social dance, and is big on salsa dancing downtown. I'll pass, haha. I do not have any interest in her anymore, but I like to think we're really good friends. We need to hang out soon. She rocks.
RACHEL - She is back with Jimmy now. That is all I'll say. It's her life, her choice. For the last two months, we have not talked a lot. She is probably backing off from venting to me now, which I understand. And I only found out about Jimmy last week on her page. She held off from telling me, which I understand too. Hopefully she will tell me if and when she leaves to live with him. It would be nice to see her off.
ALLY - She's engaged now. She met a guy named Mike last April off MySpace. Well, technically, they had a class together way back in her only semester at BSU, but they didnt see each other again until he added her. Anyways, they are very much in love, and will get married next Augst. I finally met her in person when I stopped by her work last summer in Nampa, during lunch break at a Nampa K-Mart. And I am not leaning on her as much as earlier this year, where I almost abused our friendship.
CHELSI - She too is married. Hopefully I'll still keep in touch with her. Hanging out might not be an option anymore, I'll have to check with her.
Some other assorted friends...Kristy (remember her?) has e-mailed me again regularly, but it is because she and her hubby have gone upon bad times. She keeps offering to hang out, but each time something bad happens. So it's best to wait for her to find stability. Sariah has offered to listen when I am sad. Both girls are cool, but I'd like friendships that AREN'T solely based on one person telling his/her troubles to the other. Not after Ally and such. I hope I can meet both girls at some point, and be true friends. Have fun.
Which leads me to...the girl I like at the moment....Chelsey. Yep, met her on MySpace, totally random friend search too. She is a BSU student involved in the Music Dep't, after spending her first semester at Idaho State. We've had great conversations on YIM, cept she rarely gets on that program. We were supposed to meet on a Friday night last month, but I could not get a hold of her cell phone and plans were sketchy. She didnt respond to my msgs, ran off Yahoo IM when I got on a few times, which led me to feel I was duped and jerked around, and I left her a pretty angry IM on Yahoo. A few weeks passed, and I sent her a comment wishing her luck at her orchestra concert the next day. I went to get material for my MUS 100 report, we saw each other, and then on YIM we had another talk, things went back to normal.
We agreed to meet for coffee (couldn't do any nights, cuz her Old Navy job cracked the whip on her and made her work nonstop) early in the morn. We did, and we had a nice talk. She is cute, really nice, able to have good conversations, has the LDS values while not being LDS at the moment, etc. And I really would like to go on a date with her. See where that goes. I won't mention the D-word, but I told her my bite-bowling-movie idea and she thought it would be fun. Like with Lyndsay, when we hung out the first time, I never said 'date' but I opened all the doors, walked her to the door, etc, and she got the msg and loved it. Back to Chelsey...we couldn't chill last week, and over break she is back home in Blackfoot. Having a good time too. Since Old Navy will keep her on the treadmill in December, when I will see her next is unknown. But she wants to hang out again. And I want to take her out. I hope I can.
Well, this was far too long of an entry. But it has been a while. Will I keep back up with LJ, or will I end up using it for angry irrational rants again? Time will tell. |
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| bye bye |
[Jul. 27th, 2006|03:24 pm] |
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I have decided to pull my LJ, from the public. In other words, all private entries from now on. I made this decision after a key talk last night. So long, y'all |
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| hey! I thought I was happy with things! the gall! |
[Jun. 26th, 2006|12:53 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  crushed | ] |
Well, Saturday night, all seemed OK. Ally talked about her chance meeting with Lyndsay. What happened was, Ally was with her beau and friends at her apartment pool. She saw who happened to be Lyndsay's sis and two little kids (the sis' son and daughter) playing, with who happened to be Lyndsay. Now I have talked to Ally a bit about Lyndsay, and she looks at friends' friends' profiles, so she recognized Lyndsay and started talking to her. It went well, they got along just fine. It would be weird to be in Lyndsay's spot, and some random person started talking to you. But it was ok.
So I felt my friendship with Ally was ok...I hadnt been depressed in a while. She has been dating some dude for 2 months, but I never saw her as dating material. It still is, tho. And Lyndsay has been IMing me more lately, and basically working four jobs, for all intents and purposes. Poor girl. She gets hours in at all three Valley-area Maggie Moos, and now has hopped aboard Victoria's Secret. Egad, her cash situation must be worse than I thought. I think all is OK, she IMs me first more, told Ally I was a really nice guy, AND gave me a milkshake for free when I stopped by the MM by the mall to say hi after work last week.
Rachel...well...bleah. She's home now, but off to Texas in a few weeks. She's flying there this time, so it's not like she's moving. We had been talking more, she confided in me a scary moment a few nights back. So I thought all was allright. Wrong. She's back 'in a relationship.' We haven't had our "talk" yet, but now I'm positive her response is a "thanks but no thanks." And that I am such a damn fool for having feelings for anyone. I think it's kind of like when you are are a little kid and you are too loud or too explorative, and mom and dad yell at you and make you feel wrong for doing so. Later on in life, some kids may be afraid to ask questions or might be really quiet, because they remember the guilt that their parents brought upon them for being loud/explorative. That's how I feel for liking anyone. Guilty, and wrong. It's a fact of matter. I'm a loser. I'll never have a girlfriend, and I am wrong for trying. So I should just continue to lock myself away from females...maybe even cut all ties with girl friends (so they don't cut first once they find their loud shallow bad boy b/f) and lead my Elvis Costello-charmed life that I led for the first two years out of high school.
I hate girls. And I hate couples. That's why I don't see Adam a lot anymore. He's my best friend, and Mitsue is very nice. But I don't like hanging out with AdamSue. Third wheel. And it's a painful reminder of what I will never experience. Same goes for all my friends in relationships. Ally, Adam, Nate, Steve, Chelsi, now Rachel, etc. I'm sure Lyndsay will find someone soon, and Mike is trying to get back in the dating game. Screw all you, in relationships. You're all walking around, hand-in-hand, all happy-bappy. You think you're all so cool because you have someone. You think you're better than me. You're probably right. You're not me. That alone makes you all better than me.
Mike just had an Internet dating blog...saying it was ineffective and more of a last resort. Then he said he needed to go out and meet new people. I probably do too. But I don't want this fucking sting of rejection. Hurts all the worse when your standards are so high, that when someone actually passes most of them, she wants some jerk. That's why I'm not really DESPERATE, though maybe I should be. Oh wait, girls don't like me. Scratch that.
*middle finger to all girls* *other middle finger to all couples*
EDIT: Rachel said that we are too different for each other. It's off. Back to square one. As in, back to distrusting all girls. |
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| everything |
[Jun. 17th, 2006|04:43 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | music |
| | "You're a Fool" - Rent NYTW | ] |
A little update...
I managed 94 hours of work the last two weeks, plus somewheres around 18 hours of travel, since I went to and from Twin Falls twice, at about 2 hrs each way, and to and from Hailey and Burley once each, at about 2.5 hours each way. If I am not mistaken, I will be paid for 101 hours...since i have a total of 14 overtime hours, and I believe I get time and a half for those, so 21 hours. And I think I will be paid for 10 travel hours, since the first hour each way is not paid for, and the travel rate is only something like $5-$6 an hour? Either way, this next paycheck will most certainly be sweet. There are a multitude of issues going on at work, which left me to have to work so much, but I won't get into those. I'm probably becoming one of their go-to guys. Which is nice. Why?
If work kinda sucks, the rest of my life is HELL. It has been hell since the last update on May 9. Lyndsay and I are falling apart. I've gone thru 25 different "is she mad at me?" scenarios the last month, since she has not been her usual happy self on MSN. Turns out, she's been working like crazy. But even so, something always happens to make me worried about our friendship. One day she could not respond to my IM. Another day I get weirded out because she never IMs me first anymore. And last week, she posted a bulletin showing off her Top 16 and some new pics (that I had already seen from various friends' sites). Lo and behold, I'm not in it. I sent her a jokey response saying "oh I'm not on there" and "nice pics." In reality, I really hit the skids and felt unloved when I found the news. Since then, I have not heard from her, nor I have seen her on MSN. Probably been busy like me. But in my present state of mind, that e-mail upset her and she doesn't want to talk to me again, so she is blocking me from MSN. And I wanted to hang out with her this summer. If it isn't work, it's my grudges I hold against her. I have no idea where it's gonna go from here.
Big newski - Adam and Mitsue are finally officially dating. And they are all that they see, so not much change, I guess ;-) I hung out with them again last week, once again playing third wheel. Seeing how I'll have a girlfriend once hell freezes over, I may not be able to see them again for a while without being Wheel #3. Mitsue and I have actually become friends, which is not a bad thing at all.
Oh, you asked about Rachel? Wellity, a few weeks back I found out her MySpace profile was 'in a relationship.' And that freaked me out. I never got to tell her I had potential for her. So I dashed off an e-mail admitted things, to supposedly expunge it and move on. Turns out, Rach only put that status up because of two screw-ups made by Jimmy and Jeff, and a general sour feeling towards guys. Once I found that out, I instantly regretted sending that msg. Did not want to talk about that thru that medium. We talked sparingly the next few weeks after that. When in UT last Thurs, she said "okay let's talk" about that e-mail, that she wanted to talk about it in realtime. But seeing I was a dead man walking and had trouble IMing people, I asked her to hold off on it at the moment. It sounds bad. Sounds like she is not interested. As usual. Heck, I AM a loser, after all. Ugly, skinny, quiet, caring, sensitive, constant, genuine, deliberate. None of those qualities would appeal to girls. Who cares that lately I have been listening and giving kind words to Lyndsay and Megan (surprisingly) and their bad situations, and that I have been doing the same to Rachel quite a bit lately. If you're not a loud, outgoing, buff, who-cares-what-you-think dude who can get any girl you want, you're not good enough to date (Rachel) or be in their Top 16 (Lyndsay...that apartment of four LDS dudes and each of them individually was on her Top 16). It's fucking Darwinism. And I will sink to the bottom each time. And it hurts when the more obtainable, quieter girls like Lyndsay prefer these dudes. Makes me feel like chopped liver. Back to Rachel, I am dreading "the talk" now. I fear the worst. She will say no. And LO the world will rejoice!
Other friends....not going to meet Ally for a while because she is dating some dude now, and I frankly think she's getting sick of my ramblings. Mike's cool, I rode bikes with him a while back, and will do so again once I stop working OT. A few others are cool too, just need to see some.
I cannot blame the winter for my depression. I am still very much depressed. I been talking to someone from a msg board who found out I was in ID, and preceded to go on about her Mormon faith :-P After a while, we found out we were both depressed. She recommended a book on cognitive therapy, which I purchased and have read a little bit of. It talks about stuff like what cognitive distortions depressed people go through, and how the negative thoughts work and why a depressed person lets them bring her down. She also has been stressing how I need to make friends, be with friends, have social contact, stop expecting every friendship to be the best (Lyndsay, etc), stand by my anti-alcohol stance and don't be around people who drink, but still make friends regardless of religion (which I do, it's making girl friends by that criteria which is hard) NEVER EVER compare myself with others, find a religion (lol), try try try try try try, like and accept myself, be self confident, get professional help, and READ THE BOOK. Maybe not all of those, but some of those.
I been thinking. Maybe I don't trust people. Every time I get down (which is pretty much every time I'm not at work anymore), I don't want to be with other people. It's almost as if I don't want any adversity or conflict in my relationships. I build distrust for everyone around me. My heart grows cold. I think that I will be abandoned by anyone I get close to, friendship-wise and relationship-wise. That's why I don't like meeting new people, per se. How do I know that that person won't lie to me, or suddenly change on me and not want to hang out with me anymoreThat and I don't know HOW to do so. I'm much more wary of MySpace, I don't strike up very many outside-of-class relationships in class, though I do talk to people, so the best I can think of is friends-thru-friends or getting back into the choir scene. Oh, and at work...same as school, I have seen quite a few of the same people every day the last two weeks, so I talk to them easier...but I'm the baby of the group, lol.
Another point of mine...most people don't fit my criteria for any kind of relationship. I've gotten to the point where if anyone drinks, I'd rather not get close to them. I feel that if I were ever in a drinking situation with them and I don't drink, BOOM! I'm a total loser! And drunken ppl might not be that fun to be around, unless you too are drunk. I hate shallow people. I'd rather not be around the loud, partying, who-cares-what-they-think ppl of either gender. I'd feel like a number, not a friend. That's why it's distressing that Lyndsay puts THEM in their Top 16, plus they're just gonna go on mission and she won't go back to BYU-I (don't rule out a change of mind though). With fellow guys, I'm not so picky. It's the girls where I have SO MUCH criteria for. They almost have to be PERFECT to my standards to pass the test. But at the same time, if someone does mostly pass that test (Rachel), they'll not go for me. Maybe the only girls that would want me would be divorcees, or be the desperate I-need-a-boyfriend-cuz-my-biological-clock etc etc etc. I'll never find a girl who is genuine, honest, quiet, unpartying, "good", free of a lot of baggage, funny, understanding of my issues, down-to-earth, not as concerned about collecting friends, straightedge (my def: never ever ever smokes and hopefully never ever drinks). And if I do, or I think I do, the girl will prove to not be interested in me and move on to Mr. Jerk, just like every other girl out there, shallow city. Or else that girl will be Mormon.
Well...just as well I worked my ass off the last few weeks. At least I accomplished something, and that someone actually APPRECIATES me. MY LJ's are certainly not fun to sift through. I wish I could do something about this. I really don't LIKE being depressed, or distrusting people and myself to the extent that I do. I don't know WHAT will help me anymore. The cognitive therapy book? Being social? Counseling? Meds? Lobotomy? You tell me brother. |
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| struggling to get by |
[May. 26th, 2006|02:26 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | depressed | ] |
its been a while since I updated LJ. let me just say that everything sucks. my friends hate me, work is both a sanctuary and a nuisance, and everything about me sucks. this isn't even about love, I am way too fucked up mentally to even have a good friendship. maybe I do need therapy or medication. or maybe I should throw myself off a cliff and make the world a better place.
cliff notes for ya. I don't feel the urge to spout on LJ anymore. it does me no good. I'm seeing Adam tomorrow, so I'll tell much much more to him. |
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| I know it's short, but it's finals week! |
[May. 9th, 2006|12:14 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  anxious | ] |
Man, finals....hurry up and get done already. Getting sick of studying. Still need to do the comprehensive thing for ACCT 306. The new mat'l in itself is tricky enough. But the comprehensive stuff exists, if only in multiple choice form. ACCT 302 is ALL comprehensive, and I'm pretty sure I'll retake it later on, since I may end up with 2 C's this semester. If I end up with a B in ACCT 302 OR 306, I won't retake 302. But that remains to be seen. Last night I dashed out the MGMT paper, it was on goal-setting. My goal was to find an advisor, map out my remaining semesters, and decide on a graduation date. I found I was able to choose advisors in the acc'ting department, so I chose Dr. Allen, a personal favorite from the fall of 2005. I was able to determine which business classes to take and when (I still have a bit of non-necessarily-business electives to knock out), and I got some more advice on general career stuff. Writing the paper took about an hour, it was basically an executive summary. I turned it in today, and took an ultra-easy PSYCH test today. Still not so sure if I'll end up with an A or not in that class. Oh well.
In other news, I have a job interview Friday morn after finals, at Cosho Humphrey, LLP. It's an attorney's office downtown and they need someone to do general accounting duties. There's a sense of "am I underqualified?" that I have, but they did post on Broncojobs, and are not necessarily looking for someone with a B.A. This may be a suit-and-tie job, which - well, I have a secret. I still do not know how to tie a tie!!!!! So sad, I guess they're gonna take away my man card if I don't learn. lol. I'm pretty nervous when I think about it. So I better not. Until after finals.
With finals, I am able to have a week off from work at RGIS, except a shortie last Sunday night. That's good, I want all the time I need to study. I might be hanging out with Lyndsay Thursday or Friday night, and I'm hoping she'll get back to me and tell me which, if any, night will work. I'm really cautious about it, because last weekend I was supposed to hang out with Ally. She was at a seniot center event that ran overlong, and she never called me like she said she would when it was done. From reading a bulletin, it sounds like she went over to Ryan's or Rick's instead...which would DEFINITELY piss me off. At least the other two times she had emergencies pop up, and she told me. This time it smells of being bailed out on. I'm so damn sick of this. Chelsi did similar things, but that was during the school year and she owned up each time. Ally has not come on MSN to explain herself...instead we have been playing the "down the Top 8" game and generally not speaking to each other. We shall see. Oh.....back to Lyndsay....I'm just gonna expect something to pop up on her end both nights, so I won't have to get my hopes up. At least she would probably let me know.
Lessee....Adam and Mitsue are running off to Seattle for Adam's weekend on Thursday, supposedly to get away from the negative crap that surrounds them. Maybe they can have some FUN, and let go, and not worry about each other. Oh, and Rachel is still in Texas. She has so much to sort through in her life, the Jimmy thing shattered her and a lot that she held dear. I'm hoping she'll come back soon, cuz let's cut the crap - I want to take her on a date. I just want to give each other a chance...she is an awesome person, and we see eye-to-eye on a lot of things. Plus, I can relate to her "I will never find true love/I'll never get married/there's so much bullshit out there" state of mind she is in, cuz I have been there too. Ideally, we can work through our problems together and support each other. But still, I need to see if she is seriously thinking about taking Jeff back. And I need to SEE her. Period.
Now I be for studying again. |
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| More Songs About Work and School |
[Apr. 28th, 2006|10:20 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  frustrated | ] |
Well, things are starting to get fucked up for school. PSYCH and MGMT are OK, I need to get with my advisor and have a good long talk for my MGMT paper tho. But the other ACCT classes are weird. I didn't save much face at all on my last tax test. Got another bleedin' 70%. But, the results were so shitty (only two people got at least a 90, the highest score was 91) it may be subject to curving. And the all-comprehensive no-new-material final exam will replace the lowest test score, so in effect it will be counted TWICE into the final grade. So this all but ensures a C, and if I do gangbusters on the final, maybe even a B. That case might take a while, Nick and I will work on it probably all day tomorrow. On the upside, there will be no PSYCH or tax classes next week, so the only showing up I'll do either Tuesday or Thursday will be to present the tax case to our prof on Tuesday afternoon in her office. Now, the other ACCT class? That paper is S-H-I-T. I cannot find any pertinent information on Employee Stock Ownership Plans for the paper. I have to find out how they are accounted for in financial statements and whatnot. But everywhere I go, I find either outdated information or just references to OTHER AICPA statutes. It's B.S. Cut the crap already! I'm not the only one struggling, a lot of my classmates are having same issues. One of my classmates Rachel stumbled across a really informative website that has Q&A's. BUT, you gotta be a member. It costs $35 to sign up and another fucking $75 to access the Q&A's. Rachel has a system where she will sign up for six of us and give us the name and password to access the site, as long as each of us pays our share. I paid her $6 initially, and I just learned of the additional fee...but I won't know how much THAT will cost me because Rachel has not heard back from a few people. If they back out, my costs shoot up. Were this not a last-second thing, and if clear-cut info was not so inaccessible, I wouldn't do this. Even so, I still have that "SUCK-ER" feeling about me. EDIT: everyone is in now, I got the website and the Q & A. Perfect. Only need to pay another $12.50 now. What's weird is, the paper itself is only 40 points, 20 of them on freaking content. Certainly not like in MGMT. But, points are points. I need all I can get.
Job hunt...I missed the deadline on the A/R job at the BSU Bookstore cuz of crap, but I could still apply for a position at a law firm at Washington Group. I still need to call back Barnes and Noble, though they may have had the hiring by now. RGIS is still keeping on, though I only have 3 jobs in the first 3 weeks of May so far. Another trip to the Twin on Monday the 1st to count Barnes and Noble, probably will get back at 4AM agin (but, no early class!!! sleep in!!!!); Burlington Coat Factory on Sunday nite the 7th; and a mall store on the 17th in the morn. I just called the office and put myself on the soft lines at a Fred Meyer Thursday morn the 4th (since I ain't got class that day) and two Albertsons on the third week. I told Pete on the phone I was free to work after finals, on summer mode, and I'm sure it'd be my busiest summer there ever. BUT, I didn't tell Pete about my looking around for accounting jobs. I don't know whether to wait until I actually get a lead, or let the company know right away...sort of like a two-week notice. Of course, with busienss picking back up, this would be January all over again, with the ethical "should I ditch them when they need me the most?" issue. But, oh well.
Back to Kristy - to hell with her. She doesn't want to meet up, cuz her boyfriend will get jealous, blah de blah de blah. Still wants to chat, tho she didn't respond to my last e-mail. Kind of reinforcing the fact that MySpace ain't always a boon. Two more actual girls (not slutty models or selling ring tones) added me the last few days, one of them is a Utah high schooler, another one seems cool - has the same interest for classic rock - but appears to be a druggie. Meh. I'll still talk a little. But it ain't always the case where one becomes great friends. I think I was incredibly lucky to become close with three awesome girls: Ally, Lyndsay, and Rachel. As far as the rest...I'd still like to hang with Chelsi, itd be nice to meet Meg, perhaps one or two others. I think that this is worthy of a MySpace blog. Kinda wanna hear everyone else's experiences with chatting with new people on MySpace and perhaps meeting them. I believe I'll have had MySpace for a year next month, so I'm already planning a shoutout blog to the three goils.
Lessee...friends....I need a good long chat session with Adam, in response to his comment from the last LJ. He may have been addressing issues I don't necessarily have. And of course, his terminology is often couched in philosophy, hahaha. Lately he's been picking up the pieces with Mitsue, and hopefully other people as well. Ally has moved in to her new apartment by now, should be a lot better than her old one. Lyndsay is coming/came home today. She left me a cool MySpace comment saying she was excited to hang out with me...typical of her :-) Rachel is in TX now, it took her a while to drive there (she hung out with some relatives in SLC before goin to Texas). Hopefully the trip is therapeutic for her. I hope she comes back soon....I REALLY wanna hang out with her. Still considering going on a date of sorts with her, I just wouldn't call it as such.
Now...let's take a look at that paper!!! |
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| cuz it's always been a matter of trust (Billy Joel) |
[Apr. 21st, 2006|03:38 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| | thoughtful | ] |
Allright...so I got the journal summary paper out of the way. Now I need to focus on the final MGMT paper, the goal-setting paper. My goal was to find an advisor, map out the rest of my ACCT career, and any other counseling that an advisor gives. I already selected my advisor, my ACCT 304 prof Dr. Allen, and I went over next fall's schedule with her. I now just need to meet with her again and get more advice. Back to MGMT, I have all my papers back, and my grade in that class is 89.7%. SO. DAMN. CLOSE!!!! If I get an 82 or better (out of 90) on these journals, I’ll have that A. I don’t want another case where I get an 88% or 89% in the class, it has happened in two ACCTing classes and one BUSSTAT class. I heard that BSU might adopt a +/- system to grades, where getting an 87% to 89% would land you a B+, and the + would add a few more points to the 3.0 you’d already be getting. I don’t know enough about the system, but it would have helped me out in those fringe classes. Plus I got the ACCT 302 case...but Nick and I will find a time to work on it in the business lab. It can't be anywhere else, unless that place happens to have ProSeries. That damned ACCT 306 paper will be tough, because I have to consult an outside source on the main topic: employee stock-based ownership plans. The book has maybe 1.5 pages on the subject. It's due May 1. So this weekend I need to at least look at that paper layout, study for Tax test, maybe do some ACCT 306 problems, and work Saturday thru Monday nite.
This week I had another lovely all-nighter job. I counted the ShopKo in Twin Falls Tues-Weds. While I wasn't there as long as a lot of my fellow employees (who had been there since 3PM, while I started at 8PM), it was still annoying. I didn't get into town until 4:30AM...I went off to IHOP, and got home and bed at 6AM. Ended up missing two classes the next day, and PSYCH today as well! Yeah, Dad was kind of upset. But I missed nothing in any class. I can bum the PSYCH notes off a friend, I have not missed a MGMT class all year so I'm not in trouble, and ACCT 306....I'll just turn in the h/w late.
The soap opera that is Rachel and Jimmy continues. Jimmy got stationed to Colorado for the Army, and Rachel just found out that he is 'married' to some other gal, and her page sez 'married' too. Oh man, it puts me in the mind of former BSU coach Dan Hawkins. Both Jimmy and Hawk kept saying the sweetheart things, Jimmy to Rach and Hawk to BSU faithful. But Jimmy was acting aloof and inconsistent ever since he returned from Iraq, as Hawk was acting different last season after Z bungled the UGA game. And Jimmy and Hawk ran off to Colorado and found someone else. And there ya go.
Seriously…Jimmy is either a total used car salesman or he doesn’t even know himself. How else can he say all that sweet ‘we’re gonna get married’ ‘I knew you were the one for me when I met you’ ‘we’ll have wonderful kids’ song-and-dance and end up with someone else? He is probably saying the same B.S. to this girl. Whether or not he is married is irrelevant. He doesn’t know himself. He’s not reliable. He’s gonna be stationed in CO for a while anyway. Rachel should drop him like a brick. And then she should be with someone who will take it one step at a time, someone with whom she can have FUN with. I think she needs that in dating: FUN. Whatever will be, will be. Don’t get so caught up in ‘we’re gonna get married’ b.s. right away, enjoy the NOW. I’m still working on that myself for different reasons, but that really is the best way to live. Enjoy the NOW, don’t worry about the past (like I often do) and don’t be focused completely on the future (like some people dating do).
A couple of nights ago, I had a 4-hour long conversation with Kristy. It was a total getting-to-know-you session. I hadn’t opened up so quickly and so lengthily (is that a word) to a new girl since Lyndsay. I added Rachel at the tail end of last summer, and it took a few weeks before we really hit it off. Ally got bogged down by Xmas rush after she added me, so we didn’t end up talking a LOT until afterwards. Others (Sariah, Chelsi, Heather, Meg) have been more casual throughout. Kristy is way cool, has had her baggage but has learned, and really easy to talk to. Plus, she said the difference between me and some other MySpace dudes she has added is she wouldn’t make our meeting in a group…that she already trusts me. I would love to meet up with Kristy, whenever our schedules match up. She has an insane work schedule in which she works five daytime days at Hollywood Video and she stays at her uncle and aunt to watch her cousin (while one of them does the Micron graveyard shift and the other is out of town) more days a week. Now, all of my MySpace meetings have been individually, but I can understand there are some risks in that kind of thing. But each girl didn’t mind meeting me that way (I imagine once I meet Ally on of these decades, it will be the same way).
It begs me to ask this question: how can everyone trust ME so much??!! How is it I’m the outlet for all of my friend’s problems, even those who haven’t even met me (Kristy disclosed quite a bit, as has Ally)? I’m not much different from the rest of the guys. I’m someone that some of them have never met in person, so I could very well not be that nice boy for all they know…I could be a 40-year-old perv! I guess I must be a really good listener. That could very well be a key asset of mine. That and I’m hella loyal. I don’t drop friends I become somewhat close to, at least not if I can help it. Most times when my friends have spilled their guts to me, they have been really thankful of me afterwards. That’s why I ignore my brother’s cynical ‘some guys get the girls/other guys are merely earpieces for girls’ comment. They tell me these things because they trust me and they know that I will listen. And I am OK with listening. It takes my mind off myself.
Walk time. Damn nice weather outside. |
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| school and jobs |
[Apr. 17th, 2006|02:22 pm] |
| [ | mood |
| |  okay | ] |
First off, job hunt. I thought I had a lead when I e-mailed a cover letter and resume to RJM Inc. and the guy e-mailed me back asking me when I wanted an interview. Unfortunately, I think I didnt go about it right...I just gave random times instead of being proactive and actually setting up a time. He hasn't e-mailed me back, and I have moved on. I go on BroncoJobs, and get e-mails every time a position related to accounting pops up. I just ahd a whole bunch today...but one of them is hiring for 3-8PM shifts, and my next semester might be jam-packed during the mid-to-late afternoon (more on this below)...another one is a tax-related position...and another one is more advanced. There's an A/R position at the BSU Bookstore, and it's another case of taking a pay cut from RGIS per hour, but having more stability. I'll give it a shot...I gotta actually send a cover letter and resume to the woman in person, and I need to contact her first.
Next semester, I'm in a situation where I have to take very late-afternoon classes. ACCT 308 classes (the last of 3 intermediate courses) are at 4:40PM MW and 6PM Mon. nite. GENBUS 304 (law for accountants) is ONLY at 6PM on Mon. nite or at some off-campus outlet at Mtn. Home. So I'll take that GENBUS class at 6PM and the 4:40 ACCT 308 class. I decided to take the other ACCT class (350) at 3:15 T Th to make for a more consistent week. What sucks is the ECON 303 courses are not being taught by Church (I had him for ECON 202, he rocks) and they are morning classes...the latest being 11:40AM. I need to take another class, and I thought about taking GERM 101, which I've been considering for a while. But it may be too much with this courseload...so I dropped GERM just now and replaced it with another considering-for-a-while class: MUS 100. Haha. It's another MWF class at 1:40, so I got 4 classes on Mon, 3 classes on Wed, and 2 on Fri. Only one class on T and Th tho. I still might join University Singers, a huge BSU choir that meets on Tues nite. But probably not. And I'm thinking about joining Beta Alpha Psi, an Accounting group that has weekly meetings on Weds. nite and visits accounting firms. It's a way to network with potential hirers, learn about the actual accounting business in the real world, etc. Anyway, as far as jobs go, that might make me go for morning jobs with the schedule being how it is. RGIS will still be there, but I'm still looking around.
As for this semester....I got a leg up on ACCT 306 h/w, but have yet to even look at the little paper we have due May 1. I got a middle B on the last test (late of curving, as usual for that class), so there's still hope that I can make out with a B. Due to curving, I have no way of gaging my current performance in that class. Poor Mike and Cody, we studied together but Cody barely got a C and Mike fared worse. ACCT 302 is still rough, and I may just take it again right before I graduate. I still don't have a C in that class...though that tax case can only help. Nick and I just finished Pt III last week, and I think Pt. IV involves each group to explain the final Form 1040 to the prof...a week before finals. MGMT 301 is still chugging along. My big assignment of the week is to finish up journal entries, where each entry relates a chapter of the book to experiences on the job. I have two more to do, I knocked out four last month and four yesterday. But we also have a journal summary paper, which today I learned should be around 5 to 6 pages. And it's due Friday. Shit. Way to drop a bomb on me. I know ppl in that class who still need to make 6 or 8 entries, so it could be much worse.
RGIS....well, I haven't worked for a week, since last Monday. In a few hours I have to meet at St. Lukes to carpool to a Schucks in Ontario. And tomorrow I have to go to Twin Falls to count at ShopKo...bleah. But, I'm part of a crew coming in at 8PM, so I meet at 6PM. And for each ShopKo, most of the people start counting at 3PM with a separate evening crew (those who have other jobs during the day) starting later. So it's not like the bullshit for Targets where the floor isn't started until 10PM. And we don't have to do a backroom. Anyway, Mal at the office called and just put me on that shift...and she wanted to know when I have finals...so they can put me on the WONDERFUL morning jobs!!!! :-P I think there are problems at RGIS, from what I heard from my brother. For one, Fred Meyers are taking longer and longer to count, so much so that the start times are at 5AM instead of 6AM. There's also the fact that they kept scheduling my brother for weeknight shifts (although he now works at the frame gallery M-F nites), and even worse, they haven't cut back on his morning shifts like he asked. He had an INSANE ranting session to me last week about the situation, about how people at the office don't get the message, and how the printed schedules keep confusing him. I really don't know what the situation is at RGIS. Is there a shortage of workers? Has the quality of counting gone down? Is the new printed schedule system not doing a damn? It's interesting, and I kinda am curious to find out what's what.
Lessee...got to chill out with Adam for a drama-free night on Saturday nite. But there's still lingering girl threads with him...both Sakura and Mitsue are fearful of losing him. And you know that Adam is unable to drop them 100%. Just been trying to stay calm and take Lyndsay's advice: 'enjoy being single.' A MySpace girl messaged me last week and I have been e-mailing her every night this week. She just got MSN Messenger yesterday, so we chatted for a while there. It's fun...hadn't talked to a new MySpace girl since Megan last January. Hmmm...still haven't met Ally (BOO to that!!!!)....been talking to Lyndsay more....still kind of miffed at Rachel....etc.
Might wanna do some MGMT journal entries before work. |
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| this entry has no title |
[Apr. 8th, 2006|02:12 pm] |
Here's where I was at on Wednesday with the Lyndsay sit-ee-ation:
I have decided to tell Lyndsay how I feel/felt. Because of what she had said a long time ago (seeing how we're never...blah blah blah it was on my last journal entry), I'll go in knowing that. Besides, I am only doing this to be perfectly honest with myself and with her. I am doing this to get this monkey off my back. I won't live out a lie when I talk to her. I will let her know that I think the world of her as a person, and that she means a lot to me. And then I will tell her that since things are as they are, that I am not expecting a relationship. I am hoping this is some sort of catharsis for me.
And here I am now:
I don't need to tell Lyndsay. I already have. I told her she had a lot of awesome qualities that I look for in girls (that's what spurred on the 'pretty much never' comment from her). And then when that dude slept with her and ran, part of my passionate response e-mail mentioned how I would seriously consider 'dating' her if not for religious differences...and that I know there are other guys who will appreciate the same awesome things about her that I do. She responded and thanked me for the e-mail, saying how it helped her realize that there are people out there that care about her...and that I'm the sweetest *blush*. So I assume she read all the e-mail, and knew how I felt about her. I think my work is done, really. She knows I had/have feelings for her, and she still sees me as a friend anyway. And I should be very thankful for that.
Other people, you ask??? Well, this has been one love-crazy week. Seems like all of my friends went thru some weird love stuff. Here are some highlights among others: Nate went from the same bitter stage as me a few weeks ago to madly in love. He and Chelle from his work hooked up and Nate could not be happier...he's even saying they'll get married. Hm, maybe he gave her a promise ring or somethin like that. Rachel told me about what happened with Jimmy all this time. He got home from Iraq, asked her to marry him BOOM like that, and they were going to officially get legally married this week (and the actual ceremony a year later). But, he backed out of joining her on a trip to SLC..without calling or showing up. After she got back, he said all the nice things and told her why he couldn't show (family emergency). He asked her to meet him at Chili's on Sunday nite, and again failed to show up or explain himself. At that point, Rachel was done with Jimmy for good. The wedding is off. Back to her in a sec.
Now for Adam....Mitsue got back from AZ this week, and did NOT break it off with her b/f. Adam took a step back, saw how thingd were, and now he says he is thankful to consider her an unofficial little sister. He just wanted a girlfriend, he says. I have not seen him this week, because he had to take Mitsue to the hospital a few days ago. She had peptic ulcers, and the doctors gave him some medical info, so that means Adam is Mitsue's caretaker!!! Hahaha. Mitsue is on the foreign studies program from Japan, so her relatives are back there. I wish Adam didn't have to do all this for Mitsue..I wish Mitsue had more friends. I say this because I don't want Adam to burn out and not give any time for himself, cuz he's too busy caring. It's not a BAD thing, just that I've seen it happen to Ally and Rachel...they spend so much time catring about others that they get worn out or lose touch with themselves. Ally still fights that...a lot of her friendships aren't equal. For example, she does more for her best friend Krystle than the other way around. She's always watching Krystle's son, she went to Cali for that reason (Krystle's husband Marc had to be at work). Ally got some much needed validation from another friend for her acts, and that makes me happy.
Now then....back to Rach. I am rather confused on the Jimmy thing. There is probably more to the story than what I was told. As it sounded, she dumped him pretty quickly. Jeff did some similar things early on this year, he wasn't willing to make sacrifices for her even though she would move heaven and earth (Ric Astley lyric!) for him. Maybe Rachel felt she was beng too patient/caring before, and wanted to feel validated. And we don't know Jimmy's reasons for sure, on why he didn't show up both times. Although she said she was pretty pissed at Jimmy and said he'd never get close to her again, I'm waiting for him to beg for her forgiveness. Maybe there would be a second chance...there was with Jeff last fall. This time, she isn't talking to me so much about it...even less than her second and final breakup with Jeff. A few nights ago, she had a girls night out and had a blast, so that is good news :-) I went thru our old conversations, and I remembered how much fun they were and what a great person Rachel is. I've talked to her more this week than in the last month or so combined. Hopefully I'll talk to her more, and see her again soon.
Been working a lot and school stuff lately. I got a test on Monday and Tuesday in ACCT 306 and PSYC 101, respectively. And both nights I have to work before the test. Bleah. Well, for ACCT 306 I'm gonna study with Mike and Cody on Sunday afternoon....Mike needs to get his grade back up, and Cody apparently is an accounting whiz. Should be fun. I just knocked off a paper for my interview-a-manager assignment in MGMT yesterday, still gotta compose the thank-you letter. I can hold off on Part III of the ACCT 302 tax case until Tuesday afternoon, when all the tests are done. Lessee...finally met with an accounting advisor, turned in a few cover letters/resumes, see where those will go...
I counted at another Target last Wednesday...they sure make ShopKos look good :-P. And I counted at an LDS bookstore last Thurs. nite, and just felt uncomfortable most of the night. It just seems like one big cult thing where I don't fit in...which is often how I felt in a group of LDS kids in choir. That's why I really like Lyndsay, she rarely references her religion and refuses to only hang out with peeps from her religion. Which is hard up at Rexburg, and if she continues to go there, I pray that she won't get so immersed in her religion that she'll lose her open-mindedness and not wanna be friends with me and others. Ally's friend Rick mentioned how they probably shouldn't hang out anymore (since Rick decided to take his LDS faith more seriously)...I think he flip-flopped on that, but still...the threat is there. PLEASE don't do that Lyndsay, you are way too good for that. Back to work, I got an Office Depot, Borders, and Maurice's the next three nights. Ahhhh well...it's money.
Cheeseburgers to all. |
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